Genius idea...not so much!

So I had the genius idea to jump on the scale this morning and see how I am doing this week so far (week 2 day 3) cuz I had such a great loss last week(almost 7.5lbs) ! OMG, the scale said I am up .5 lbs!!! Now I know all the tricks so don't even start! Yes I weigh myself at the same time, under the same conditions every time so as to have the greatest consistence and accuracy. My point is, I am devastated! Mostly by my decision to weigh myself, really. I know that if I have these kind of results I will have this kind of reaction, so why do I even do it? Because I place too much stock in the numbers and not enough on how I feel.

So, my question now is, how do I stay off the scale except for my designated weigh-in days AND how do I stay positive and turn around my devastation and desire to throw in the towel? I honestly am crushed! I have been 100% on plan and even added in a little cardio yesterday for the first time and was feeling so good! HELP!!!

Structural Dynamics Master Plan

This is the big overview of my desired outcome of reaching my optimal health.  There are no "How To's" or specific deadlines.  This just serves as the springboard from which I can create my plan of attack.  Think of it as a map with a starting point and a destination.  If I don't know where I am starting and where I want to be, it will be very difficult for me to create the roadmap in between.

Optimal Health

Healthy Weight, Eats Healthy, Activity Level High, 

High Quality of 7-8 hrs of Sleep, 

Stress Level: low or none, Co-morbid conditions: None

Prescription Med Usage Low or None

                                      

                                        Secondary Choices                                           

Habits of Healthy Eating

Habits of Motion

Habits of Healthy Sleep

Habits of Healthy Mind 

Habits of Well Being

Habits of a Healthy Body

Current Reality

Weight: Obese, overweight, normal, underweight

Eat healthy: always, sometimes, no, not sure

Sleep Hours:  Under 5hrs, 5-6hrs Low, 7-8hrs Normal, Over 8hrs High
Sleep Quality: Poor, Fair, Good, Excellent
Stress Level: None, Low, Medium, High, Extreme
Co-Morbid Conditions: Pre-diabetes, High Cholesterol, Adrenal Fatigue, Depression
Prescription Med Use: None, One, Two, Three, More

My Optimal Health Vision Board

In Discovering Your Optimal Health, Dr. A says to make a Vision Board.  "A visual representation of your Optimal Health in several key areas of your life".  Here is mine.  Starting from top left going right.

• Top left: a picture of me when I weighed the least I ever have in my adult life.  I was on Medifast before.  I felt small, tight, solid and great about how I looked physically.
• Top middle: a picture of the body's chacras.  Represents my body's balance and energy.  I will have an abundance of energy as well as balance/harmony in my body as well as my life.
• Top right: a picture of healthy fruits and veggies.  This represents my growing healthy appetite as well as my change in desire for and tastebud preference of healthy nutritious food.
• Bottom left: a picture of a lion: The lion represents strength and mastery.  I am reminded of Aslan in Narnia who was wise in all things, strong physically and in character and not afraid to do things that were difficult or momentarily difficult for lasting peace and happiness.
• Bottom middle: a picture of hobbit holes in New Zealand.  Hobbits are simple jolly folk who know the true meaning of loyalty, joy and the profundity of keeping life simple.
• Bottom right: a picture of runner's feet.  To me this is the epitome of being in shape.  Not just being skinny, but being physically fit.  I have always wanted to be a runner, and I want to be able to do fun runs and runs for causes.

Fundamental Motivation Questions

Every so often I will write out a list of questions and then answer them.  Currently in my Discovering My Optimal Health book, Dr. A. encourages me, any time he poses thought provoking questions to me to actually sit down, think about my answers and then write them down.  This is the first in a long series of really amazingly insightful questions about the root motivations and ideas that drive our decisions.  So here goes!

Why do you want to change your health?

I recently found out I have some major negative health indicators which could spell some serious trouble for me in the future if I don't make some real changes.
I used to be really healthy and I loved my life during that time period.
I want to be able to live a long life and be an active participant in my children's lives
If I want to be a part of my children's lives I am going to need more energy than I currently have.

On a scale of 1 to 10 how ready are you to get healthy?

I would rate myself at about an 8 1/2 or 9!  That's pretty damn good for me :)

Why did you initially start reading this book (Discover Your Optimal Health)?  Why were you drawn to it?

I started reading this book because I started the Medifast program and I had already read the Habits of Health book by Dr. A.  I wanted to read it again, but saw that he had written another book since I had read the other one and I wanted to see what the new book had to offer.  I also realized the other night that reading is one of my greatest weapons on my path to optimal health.  It helps to keep me well informed, knowledgable and my mind having the right focus.

Why does your health really matter to you?

I realize that I am not an island.  My life is not solitary and therefore my health is not solitary either.  At least partially, the health of my husband and my children depend on me.  If I am not healthy, making healthy decisions and modeling healthy decisions for them, then they will not make healthy decisions themselves.  My health matters to me, because I care about my family, and I care about my life.  God gave me this great gift, this life, this body, this family, to go out in the world and do good and be good.  I can't do those thing if I am so consumed with doctors and medicine and hospitals.  I have to be in the best shape I can be , be the best me I can be, so I can go out and affect change in this beautiful world!

What are you most excited about accomplishing?

I really am most excited about losing all the weight I had lost after my gastric bypass surgery the healthy way.  I am excited to reach my goal weight and then reach my one-year-mark of keeping it all off.  I'm excited to be able to workout again on a daily basis.  I'm excited to be able to go a full day without feeling like all I want to do is go back to sleep.  I am excited to recapture my happiness, my joy, my contentment, my excitement for life, my enthusiasm, my soul.

How do you see the creation of sustainable health changing your life?

Sustainable health will change my life in so many ways.  First and foremost, it will remove the worry and stress from my life of the perpetual "what if". What if I gain it all back?  What if I get fat again? What if I feel that failure again?  What if I feel that disappointment again?  That weight will finally be lifted from my mind and spirit and I will be free to live free from that burden and heaviness.  Second, it really will simplify my choices.  Really, for the longest time, I felt like making healthy food choices has harder, when in actuality it is just as easy or even easier than making unhealthy ones.  Fewer ingredients, simpler cooking techniques, quicker/healthier preparation options.  I get that all not.  Really don't know why it has taken me so long to realize this, but I am glad I finally have.  Third, it will give me a tried and true recipe to share with my family and friends.  Nothing is more rewarding than finding success in something and being able to share that happiness and joy with those I love.

How will this plan affect your health immediately?

Well this is easy to answer since I am already doing it.  It has made me a bit light headed, and quite hungry.  But what it has also done has made my mind become the master of my body, forced me to take accountability for my actions, made me grow up and start telling myself the truth and reality of my situation and now that I am a few days into it, I am already starting to feel better about by body and look at it differently.  Plus, once I start making one healthy decision, it is so much easier to make other healthy choices to go along with it.

How will this plan affect your health in a year?

I can imagine that it will have huge ramifications on not only my physical health, but my mental and emotional health as well.  During the times of my life when I was taking on my health and making optimal health choices, I was also taking on the rest of my life as well.  Everything seemed easier, more manageable, like I could handle anything life could throw at me.  I imagine that is how my life will look a year from now.  I will have a health body, healthy mindset, healthy finances, energy, abundance, a social life, a healthy sex drive, and so much more than I can even imagine even now.  I really don't believe I have "pie-in-the-sky- ideas" of what it will be like.  The sky really is the limit here.

How will this plan affect your health in five years?

Honestly, I find it very likely that if I continue down this road I will not only reverse the damage I have done over the last several years, I will give my body the nutrients and other weapons it needs to even reverse some of my signs of aging!

Are you worried if you can really maintain the plan?

Of course I am!!!  Look at my history!  I have a long historical pattern of yo-yo dieting.  Of going on a health kick and then something sends me reeling whether it is getting pregnant, moving, financial crisis, custody battles, you name it.  The one advantage I have now over all the other times is experience and perspective.  I would like to believe that I am completely over make dumb unhealthy decisions, but I am human.  The good news is that I am aware of it an that is half the battle in combatting it and living conscious of my actions so it is easier for me to make good ones.

What are you most worried about giving up?

Sugar... enough said.

Rewards and Motivation

I have decided to create benchmarks, goals and rewards as a way of keeping me focused and motivated.  So here is my timeline of rewards for weight loss.

188 - starting weight - start the Medifast 5 and 1 Program
183 - 5 lbs down - Get a manicure
178 - 10 lbs down - Get a pedicure
173 - 15 lbs down - Get a new workout jacket
168 - 20 lbs down - buy a new outfit
163 - 25 lbs down - spa day at Burke Williams
158 - 30 lbs down - buy a new dress
153 - 35 lbs down - Get a manicure & pedicure
148 - 40 lbs down - get hair extensions
143 - 45 lbs down -  spa day at Burke Williams
138 - 50 lbs down - buy a new wardrobe
133 - 55 lbs down - Goal weight - Get-Away trip with my husband :)

With all the money I will be saving on food and health costs I should be able to fund most of this... except the plastic surgery.  But I will figure it out as I go.  Here's to positive life changing decisions!

Back and doing better than ever

So I am back at it with my blogging.  Life has been so crazy and well, to be honest, I just haven't had it in me to blog the past while.  Major depression and a big move has kept me from taking on life and living my life.  But, I am slowly turning things around and starting to add things back into my life that are good for my health and good for my soul, blogging being one of them.

So I started Medifast (Take Shape For Life) on Sunday.  This is day 4 for me.  I had previously done this when I was living in Burley, Idaho and it worked so well for me!  I felt great, I looked great and it really helped me to gain perspective, stay focused and learn to make long lasting healthy life decisions.  So, from now on I will be using some acronyms in some of my posts because they are so much easier than writing out some of the really long words.  Here are some of the ones I can think of:

• PCMR: Portion Controlled Meal Replacement (the shakes and other meal items I eat)
• TSFL: Take Shape For Life (the support community and health lifestyle I follow)
• MF: Medifast (the company that makes the PCMR's that I use daily
• L&G: Lean & grean meal.  This refers to the dinner I make myself which consists of a lean protein and green veggie every evening.
• HOH: Habits of Health book by Dr. Wayne Scott Andersen
• DYOH: Discover Your Optimal Health book by Dr. Wayne Scott Andersen
• OH: Optimal Health

As I can think of more I will add to the list.

As a final thought, I, in no way endorse nor do I make money off of selling MF/TSFL.  So if I ever post links to any of their information or products it is not because I want you to buy it so I get a kickback.  I do not, nor have I ever like MLM's, pyramid schemes, or network marketing companies.  They are just not my thing.  Anyway, I am excited to share my experience and progress.  In health and happiness!

I am broken, but nothing is "wrong" with me.

I will be the first to admit that I am a broken woman.  I have been beaten down by life, I have succumbed to temptation and I am most definitely a haunted and flawed soul.  Yet nothing is wrong with me.  I struggle with depression, overeating, anger and a host of other issues.  Yet nothing is wrong with me.  I can show up as ungrateful, selfish, lazy and mean.  Yet nothing is wrong with me.  Do you get what I'm saying?  I am broken, flawed, imperfect, scarred.  And yet, I can also be compassionate, giving, kind, thoughtful and charitable.

When I struggle, doing things that I don't like, and not living up to the standard I have set for myself and my life, my first thought is, "What's wrong with me!?!"  When my son is throwing a tantrum, saying mean things to me, or being unreasonable, my first thought is, "What's wrong with you!?!"  The answer is: NOTHING!  The point is, we are all flawed, we all struggle, we all fall short of our ideals, but there is nothing wrong with us, inherently I mean. We are human, imperfect beings and that is ok.  There is nothing wrong with us.  Maybe if I was to accept these things about myself, without letting them define who I am, then maybe, just maybe, I remove the power these failings have over me... the power they have over my decisions, my life.

So often I feel like I have to hide my imperfections and flaws from others because people will either not like me, judge me, or worst of all, maybe they will use my weaknesses against me in some way.  So, day after day, I walk around acting like I am perfect, happy, content, confident, all the while I am slowly dying inside because in actuality I am allowing these things to define me and deprive me of being my honest authentic self.  In a world where we are told to put on a happy face, fake it till we make it, and keep up appearances, we are all essentially walking lies.

What if we walked around with big signs on our chests (closest to our hearts) listing all the the things we struggle with, all the wounds we carry, all the burdens we bare?  What do you think would happen?  I will tell you what I think would happen.  I think people would be a little kinder, a litte more compassionate, a little more forgiving, and feel A LOT safer and more comfortable with us.

I, sometimes...ok, a lot of times, feel ashamed of my imperfection.  I feel shame for my faults, weaknesses, problems.  But then I sit back, take a deep breath and think.  And you know what happens?  A sense of gratitude, strength and peace comes over me.  And in those moments I have small glimpses of reality.  I'm not talking MY reality...I'm talking REAL REALITY!  I had one of these moments last night.  Here is what I realized.

The Shame

Shame does not come in having struggles and weaknesses.  Shame comes from denying and hiding them, pretending that they don't exist and that everything is ok.  No one is ok.  Everyone struggles.  The point is to be honest about it, talk about it, learn about it, and never let it define my worth.

The Truth

Is it true that I am selfish? No, but sometimes I do selfish things.  Is it true that I am mean?  No, but sometimes I do mean things.  Is it true that I am unhappy?  No, but sometimes I lose my way and forget my joy.  (I will talk about finding your joy in another blog post).

I will tell you what is true.  I am feeling, caring, emotional, passionate and wild.  And sometimes I get in the way of my own happiness and those gifts that I have been given, I use for ill.  And sometimes, just sometimes, I get out of my own way and use those gifts for good.

The Bottom Line

I guess what I'm trying to say is, I am not going to be afraid any more to be honest about who I am and what my life really looks like from the inside looking out.  I am reminded of a poem that I memorized in 7th grade for my creative writing class.  It has subsequently become my favorite poem, and pretty much the mantra for my life.

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

~William Ernest Henley


My head may be bloody, but I am unbowed.  I am the captain of my soul and I choose freedom.  Freedom through living honestly, authentically, and fully.  How about you?  What do you choose?