I am broken, but nothing is "wrong" with me.

I will be the first to admit that I am a broken woman.  I have been beaten down by life, I have succumbed to temptation and I am most definitely a haunted and flawed soul.  Yet nothing is wrong with me.  I struggle with depression, overeating, anger and a host of other issues.  Yet nothing is wrong with me.  I can show up as ungrateful, selfish, lazy and mean.  Yet nothing is wrong with me.  Do you get what I'm saying?  I am broken, flawed, imperfect, scarred.  And yet, I can also be compassionate, giving, kind, thoughtful and charitable.

When I struggle, doing things that I don't like, and not living up to the standard I have set for myself and my life, my first thought is, "What's wrong with me!?!"  When my son is throwing a tantrum, saying mean things to me, or being unreasonable, my first thought is, "What's wrong with you!?!"  The answer is: NOTHING!  The point is, we are all flawed, we all struggle, we all fall short of our ideals, but there is nothing wrong with us, inherently I mean. We are human, imperfect beings and that is ok.  There is nothing wrong with us.  Maybe if I was to accept these things about myself, without letting them define who I am, then maybe, just maybe, I remove the power these failings have over me... the power they have over my decisions, my life.

So often I feel like I have to hide my imperfections and flaws from others because people will either not like me, judge me, or worst of all, maybe they will use my weaknesses against me in some way.  So, day after day, I walk around acting like I am perfect, happy, content, confident, all the while I am slowly dying inside because in actuality I am allowing these things to define me and deprive me of being my honest authentic self.  In a world where we are told to put on a happy face, fake it till we make it, and keep up appearances, we are all essentially walking lies.

What if we walked around with big signs on our chests (closest to our hearts) listing all the the things we struggle with, all the wounds we carry, all the burdens we bare?  What do you think would happen?  I will tell you what I think would happen.  I think people would be a little kinder, a litte more compassionate, a little more forgiving, and feel A LOT safer and more comfortable with us.

I, sometimes...ok, a lot of times, feel ashamed of my imperfection.  I feel shame for my faults, weaknesses, problems.  But then I sit back, take a deep breath and think.  And you know what happens?  A sense of gratitude, strength and peace comes over me.  And in those moments I have small glimpses of reality.  I'm not talking MY reality...I'm talking REAL REALITY!  I had one of these moments last night.  Here is what I realized.

The Shame

Shame does not come in having struggles and weaknesses.  Shame comes from denying and hiding them, pretending that they don't exist and that everything is ok.  No one is ok.  Everyone struggles.  The point is to be honest about it, talk about it, learn about it, and never let it define my worth.

The Truth

Is it true that I am selfish? No, but sometimes I do selfish things.  Is it true that I am mean?  No, but sometimes I do mean things.  Is it true that I am unhappy?  No, but sometimes I lose my way and forget my joy.  (I will talk about finding your joy in another blog post).

I will tell you what is true.  I am feeling, caring, emotional, passionate and wild.  And sometimes I get in the way of my own happiness and those gifts that I have been given, I use for ill.  And sometimes, just sometimes, I get out of my own way and use those gifts for good.

The Bottom Line

I guess what I'm trying to say is, I am not going to be afraid any more to be honest about who I am and what my life really looks like from the inside looking out.  I am reminded of a poem that I memorized in 7th grade for my creative writing class.  It has subsequently become my favorite poem, and pretty much the mantra for my life.

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

~William Ernest Henley


My head may be bloody, but I am unbowed.  I am the captain of my soul and I choose freedom.  Freedom through living honestly, authentically, and fully.  How about you?  What do you choose?